Hi there girls and boys, here's todays beauty tip on how to cultivate blackheads on your face.

What you have to do is, after a long day working in the shop or shoveling sillage, just rub your hands together very hard for a few minutes until the black oily skin starts to scurf off in long black threads. These can then be picked from the creases in your palms and collected in an old tobacco tin. make sure you tell any smokers in the house what you are doing and keep rolling papers away from where you keep it. After a week you should have half an ounce of black resin and can start treatment.

Mix a little of the black threads with spit and make a thick paste, then rub firmly into your nose with your fingers. Press firmly to force it into the pores, and keep adding more. Scrape the rest off and save it.

Now look in the mirror. The small black dots will have formed. Just wait, in a few days many of them will be rising up and swelling with the pressure of the oily white stuff within. Don't pop them yet, just place your finger over the opening and press down firmly several times a day. This irritates the flesh and causes more secretion of the sebaceous fluid.

They are ready when the central node or "fetus" is so big it starts to push the head-cap out of the pore. Now is the time to enjoy them. Sit down before a mirror with good lighting and compose yourself. Don't start with the largest, that should always be saved till last. Don't start with the smallest either, they should be allowed to grow, like underweight fish. Just select a ripe berry, ready to burst, and place your index fingers on either side of the base of the dome. Move the fingers together slowly. Don't dig your nails into the skin, ar slide them across the skin, in fact, it is best to trim your nails beforehand. It may sound like a bothersome detail, but I think it's important to do this right.

Now, if the blackhead is ripe enough the cap should start to ease out of the pore, rising on a thin column of white pus the consistency of junket. There should be minimal pain, just a poignant tingle, to spice up the feeling of release of pressure which is the great joy of this activity and the reason it is so widely enjoyed. Keep pressing, until the column tapers off into a thin thread of mucus and starts to topple. Now you can gently scrape it away from the skin and inspect it.

Inspection is important. This is a product of the creative powers of your body and therefore is endlessly fascinating. Observe how the darker tones of the head blend into the white stuff, and try gently squeezing it for firmness. Good blackheads are firm and meaty, while immature ones are too liquid and won't hold together under handling. Don't put the fetus back in your tobacco tin, scrape it onto a corner of the bath towel, or, if you wish to build up a colection and compare your products over time, flick it onto the mirror. Although it will shrink once it dries, the humidity of a hot shower will cause it to swell and rehydrate, so you can get a good comparison of your progress.

Work your way through the ripe pustules until you reach the king, the biggy, the mother of them all. Often this is a second generation blackhead or "boil", where the original pore has been damaged and burst open, producing a larger cavity in which a mixture of blood and cottage cheese resides. Boil are to be avoided. Blackheads, when removed, shrink back into healthy yawning pores hungry to be filled with more dirt and grease. Boils have no head, but are rather sealed healed-over balloons with high pressure contents. They are evidence of poor technique, and they tell other blackhead enthusiasts that you have been hasty and weren't prepared for your crop to reach fruition. Try squeezing the boil gently while inspecting the skin for any signs of a relict head or pore opening. If this exists, you can lance it very gently with a sharp pin. Gently ease the contents out but do not save them, flush them down the drain immediately. Boils are the bane of a blackhead enthusiast and should be fought at all costs. Now apply eucalyptus oil with a cotton bud. Kill that boil!

If you have been patient and saved the biggest to last, well done! Carefully get into position. Do not tense your arms, a tremor might cause you to ruin the work of weeks. Carefully, as though you were a diamond cutter making the first blow, sqeeze the blackhead. Watch the surface to make sure the cap is sliding from the pore, otherwise the sides of the pore will burst and you'll have a boil. Enjoy the feeling of release as the long thick column rises majestically under the impetus of your sqeezing fingers. Up and up it rises, until finally it reaches the peak and drops back, exausted, onto your finger nails. Some correspondants have reported having orgasms at this moment. When you have recovered from the experience, add the fetus to your collection and wash up. Use plain soap, no perfume. Wash well, your skin should lie fallow for a few days before you can plant another crop.

I hope this posting helps you enjoy your blackheads, and remember; God hath made all things. Bye bye.